Doubt

22nd April 2020

I have struggled recently with the nature of my masters project. Considering everything that is happening in the world I couldn’t help but think that my subject matter was perhaps a little futile.

I began to question the validity of my concept, and the importance of these things I hold so dear.

In the grand scheme of things does it really matter?

Who actually cares about any of it other than me?

What is my project really going to achieve?

More than the usual bouts of creative self-doubt these thoughts have frequently infiltrated my head and have been difficult to dispel. Last week though something happened to change all that.

My Mum, now 78 and suffering from Osteoporosis tested positive for Covid 19. Despite this and the affects of being in isolation in the care facility that is now her home she is doing incredibly well, having only suffered with a nasty cough and no other respiratory issues.

As the home are not allowing visitors, last week I talked to my Mum for the first time on Skype. At least I did the talking and she stared vacantly at the screen. She was a little lethargic, couldn’t hear as the batteries on her hearing aid were running out and knowing absolutely nothing about modern technology, was confused by the video chat itself.

But then something wonderful happened, at a loss for what to do I decided to tell her about my project and as talking wasn’t much use I instead showed her my Sindy Doll with the wedding dress she had made from the scraps of her own wedding dress. Instantly her face lite up and she became animated, talking ten to the dozen, recollecting the story behind the dress.

I went on to show her my Nana’s (her mother) cats, Sylvac bunnies, broken ornaments, dolls and anything I could find that I thought she’d remember. And she did remember, everything to her carried meaning and connected her to something of importance, people, places and our shared history.

The truth is my Mum and I have never been good at communicating, the hearing aides and technology issues add another layer of difficulty but articulating her thoughts and feelings is just not my Mum’s forte. She expresses herself through the things she made and the things she values.

Last week I was reminded of the importance of ‘things’ and why the stories behind my most treasured possessions have inspired my masters project, in that respect I am my Mothers daughter. It felt relevant and it excited me again.

So perhaps creating the ultimate Party Frock will not bring about world peace and maybe it doesn’t mean much to anyone other than me, but then it doesn’t have to.