Dream Big

14th August 2020

During my Fashion HND we were once asked to describe our perfect career, our dream job. My answer to that question is the same now as it was then ‘I’d like to design and make beautiful clothes. I would work with one client at a time, who’d waited patiently for years until their turn came to own something I saw fit to make for them and most importantly, I wouldn’t be bound by anything other than my own imagination.’

At the time I got slated, which still irks me to this day. (If I’m asked to dream, I’m going to dream big.) But practically I knew then as I know now, the reality for would-be designers is we are lucky to have any form of career in the creative industries at all. At university, my cohorts and I had all experienced dissuasion from teachers, families and careers officers on pursuing a career in design. The message was clear, design was not a viable career option, ‘You need to get a proper job’. I was however lucky in the respect that my parents were fully supportive of my vocation, allowing me to follow my path without question. None of my friends in neighbouring council houses were even fortunate enough to have the option of attending college, let alone to undertake a qualification in art and design.

So after 25 years predominantly working as a self-employed designer maker I do consider myself very lucky to have managed to earn a living, all be it a very meagre one on occasion from my creative abilities.

I’ve digressed somewhat from my original point, but going back to the question of perfect jobs, it only recently occurred to me that most of my classmates dreamed of working in New York for Calvin Klein or designing for Vivienne Westwood and it had never entered into my head to do such things. I can’t remember if this was through lack of confidence or inclination. Consciously I had no ambitions to work for myself, but clearly my dream was to do just that. Or at least to carve out my own creative path, which ultimately is what I have done. Although mine has been grounded in the reality of earning a living to pay the mortgage and all that entails, ultimately creating a product that people want to buy. Which is how I’ve ended up making lavender bags for Kew Gardens and the like. (Although Covid -19 has decimated my business this year).

Kew Palace House Lavender Bag. Design and Image by me.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m really proud of what I have achieved throughout my career. To sustain my business, I have had to adapt constantly, changing direction when necessary, exploring new avenues of revenue and designing products to utilise any opportunities discovered. But it can come at a price, that of compromising pure creative vision to meet the demands of the market, consumer or client. I know this is part of the process, the excitement of creating a commercial product and seeing it sell is wonderful but there can come a point where the self gets a little lost along the way.

On reflection it is easy to see why this can happen. I have sat in design meetings after months of work, only to be told by a client that the main thing they don’t like about my work is the very thing that landed me the commission in the first place. I have attended shows around the country and hardly sold a bean, secretly dying on the inside, whilst smiling sweetly at customers as I desperately will them to buy something so I can afford the petrol to get me back home. What sane person would wish to expose themselves to that?

Rafferty Pup. Design and Image by Annie Montgomery.

From the wide network of creatives I’ve got to know along the way, this is the reality of the self employed designer/maker, it can be sole destroying, but for those of us that wish to continue, we need to have the capacity to pick ourselves up, learn and move on all be it after a short period of creative angst. Amongst us though there are a few exceptions, those that have managed to achieve the holy grail of the designer maker, having customers snap up your work the moment it’s made, those that have managed to strike exactly the right balance between creative freedom and consumer demand. The ones that are living my own personal dream job in different mediums. And out of everyone I’ve met, there are only three of them, Kirsty Elson who makes driftwood sculpture, Samantha Bryan who’s created her own fairy universe and Annie Montgomery who designs animal dolls.

Fairy Tail Light. Design and image by Samantha Bryan.

Throughout my career I have experienced moments of this but not consistently. To sustain a living and my own mental wellbeing the design that sold became my driving force, not my creative flights of fancy. I love my job, but I never set out to be a lavender bag designer, I wanted to be a fashion and textile designer and that has never changed. I believe very strongly that things happen for a reason and there have been so many opportunities in recent years that have led me back to education to be right where I am now.

At the end of my first year on the fashion and textiles MA, I sometimes have to pinch myself to think I’m actually doing this. That I have this amazing opportunity to fulfil my ambitions, express myself creatively and develop as a designer in ways I could not have imagined at the start of this course. And all without the constraints of commercial design.

This has been a challenging year in so many ways, but I feel like I have found my creative voice, the one that dares to dream and thinks that anything is possible. After a slow start, as is my way, I find my mind buzzing with ideas that I cannot wait to investigate. On the verge of starting my second year, I don’t know if these will work but I shall enjoy the process and am more excited than I have been in a long time to see where the next year leads me creatively. I do believe I’ve found my mojo.

APOTHECARY JAR, Found Mojo. Design and image by Vinegar and Brown Paper.