If at First You Don't Succeed

I had a frustrating few weeks recently. Part of my plan was to incorporate the bedding plants growing in my garden into my textile designs. I liked the idea of using plants that were intentional and familiar, ones that I have grown and taken care of. However, the weather throughout August made this virtually impossible. Petunias do not stand up well to heavy rainfall and each downpouring decimated my hanging baskets completely.

I was also under the misapprehension that I had got this Cyanotype business sussed and intended to use my newfound expertise to refine and scale up sample sizes to start producing finished textile pieces for use with my garment design.

From my experiments I concluded that I would need a proper frame in order to achieve this, something that could sandwich the components completely flat during exposure, to produce consistently sharp results and be robust enough to handle the pressure needed to do so.

After months of making do with old frames and glass acquired at charity shops I decided it was time to invest in some proper equipment and ordered some cut acrylic and clear Perspex. Not the cheapest of supplies when a global pandemic sends the price through the roof but that did at least allow me plenty of opportunity to examine the rigidity and strength of different thicknesses of Perspex on every visit to the supermarket, so ‘every cloud….’.

Mini dress Cyanotype print sample, worked beautifully until pattern achieved washed out

On the first sunny day in weeks and using my newly acquired 10mm deep and 50cm square Perspex frames I excitedly resumed my Cyanotype experiments, feeling confident of the fabulous results I was about to achieve. Except I didn’t. Every single exposure I did failed in some way. And no matter what I did to try and rectify the situation, nothing seemed to work. There were also logistical issues of processing larger samples which I hadn’t considered, how to apply the solution evenly to a larger surface, where to dry light sensitive paper when It’s too big to fit in the cupboard I’d been using and what could I use to wash out the chemistry after exposure if it won’t fit in the kitchen sink? And always with Cyanotype is the race against time to gather plant material, disappearing on a daily basis thanks to snails, a strange Busy Lizzie fungal issue, rain and the start of Autumn.

First Large scale prints, which I thought were under and over exposed

I’d like to say I took all this within my stride, systematically addressing issues to find the solution but the truth is I went into total and utter panic mode, with each failed attempt my natural tendency to catastrophise kicked in as I convinced myself that I had wasted a year of my masters working in a medium that I could not make work for anything other than small scale samples.

I’m no stranger to feelings like these, a little creative angst goes hand in hand with being a designer but when it arises I’ve learnt that it’s usually time to stop and take a break but the sense of urgency that comes with working to a schedule defined by weather and nature, exacerbated the situation somewhat.

For the sake of my sanity and marriage I did eventually step back and in doing so remembered that this is all new territory for me, I am working so far outside my comfort zone that sometimes it can be overwhelming. On this course we have been encouraged to embrace failure and if I’m honest that is something that has always made me feel uneasy. Failure is simply not an option; over the years I have developed work practices that avoid it at all costs. This in part stems from the practicalities of working in design, I have to work quickly and efficiently to meet the needs of my clients but predominantly it is the downside to being a perfectionist. Perfection and failure do not sit well together.

Lack of contrast, blurring and sepia stained edges

I realise how black and white this is in terms of my thinking and whilst it serves me well when sitting at the perfection end of the scale, I do myself no favours when I get the first sniff of failure or more to the point what I perceive to be failure.

With hindsight I had a few weeks where things didn’t go to plan, assumptions I’d made turned out not to be true, I had to rethink these, review my notes and develop new methods to compensate, all of which I did eventually. And during that process I was able to gather valuable information that inspired further ideas and approaches to my design work that might not have happened if things had not gone wrong. I also gained insight into possible issues with Cyanotype printing that could have serious implications for my ability to produce work over the winter months for which I need to plan and prepare for accordingly.

Under exposure was due to thickness of perspex, which required 5 times the usual exposure time

This experience is something I need to be mindful of as the course progresses and the pressure increases as it inevitably will. It’s easy after the event for me to sit back and be all zen about things, these issues are now resolved, and for the present moment, I feel like things are going well and heading in the right direction. But what about the next time things go wrong, when I’m in the midst of it all, when perhaps a deadline is looming? I’m not sure if I have it in me to quash the panic and emotion that can arise under those conditions, I’m not sure it’s even healthy to do so. Maybe it’s more a case of knowing that it will happen, recognising it when it does and using this to remind myself that good can come from even the worst of circumstances, before all rationality goes out the window.

Whilst setting up my business in my early twenties, whenever things went wrong, which they frequently did my Dad would simply say ‘to strive, to seek, to find and not to yield’. I only recently found out he was quoting Ulysses by Tennyson, not because I read poetry, I don’t. Judy Dench delivered the line in Skyfall during a Daniel Craig Bond night I was indulging in. At the time it used to drive me mad, my Dad that is not Daniel Craig, but somehow it is a mantra that I have adopted inadvertently. It is not in my nature to give up, I keep on going no matter what and always have, I just don’t always have an easy time of it emotionally during the process.

Over exposure was actually the result of chemicals still present in washed Cyanotype

Perhaps the thing to take from this is to just remember that I’m doing a masters to push my design practice and challenge myself. And doing that is not always comfortable. I’ve done comfortable for far to long and it’s left me feeling stale as a designer. New ideas quite often fail, but it’s not failure itself, just part of the design process. Failure would be not even trying in the first place. I think I may have read that on a postcard or something but that doesn’t make it any less true.